Top Five: Un-Christmas Songs

Welcome to Christmas! I'm not really as happy about it as the exclamation point would lead you to believe, but it's hard not to buy into the fake cheer of the holidays. It's time to hash out more celebrity X-mas related songs. Luckily, not all of them are your traditional tunes, some being downright anti-Christmas. As part of a month-long Top Five column of random crap I deem entertaining and relevant, I will be  Let me get at you with some Un-Christmas Christmas songs.


5. Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence - FYI by Utada



Confession time: I LOVE Hikaru Utada's English albums. Back when I was a Weeaboo (Don't ask), I was all about some Utada, and she released her debut English album Exodus at the height of my Japan obsession. She released two English albums, this song from the second one. I placed it so high on the countdown mainly because it trolls you into thinking it's a Christmas song when it really isn't. She doesn't even mention the holidays at all. The only really seasonal part of the song is her saying "Jing-a-ling" a couple of times. Way to fool us, Utada. You win.
Edit: An Anon informed me she had to keep the title of the song she sampled for legal reasons. That still doesn't mean she isn't trolling you. I mean if she had to keep the title, logic dictates you should roll with the Christmas theme. She did not. Thus, troll.
(Warning: Lots of Hos under the cut.)

4. Rated X-Mas by The Millionaires



First of all who the hell told these girs they were allowed to make music? I'm pretty sure this song is about wanting to have sex with Santa. I don't know for sure because their voices make me want to go deaf. They are Ke$ha wannabes, and not good at it. The song is funny though and will get stuck in your head if you give it enough of a chance. The climax (giggity) of the song takes place when one of them imitate Santa, informing them that candy canes "don't go there." Hmm. You have to give these girls credit though -- admitting you have a thing for obese men that are over several hundred years old takes some balls.

3. Santa Clause Is Coming by Per Sia

Per sia - santa claus is coming by Per Sia

When the hell did Santa become so sexy? Maybe he's just wearing a fat suit and is actually a stud. Who knows? This song does exactly what the last one tried to do but does it way better. Per Sia is a San Fransisco drag queen, and she is fabu! The song is super camp and super fun. It may not be the most polished track ever, but it is hilarious and has me rolling on the floor every time. I mean I'm pretty sure those moans were real -- or she's a good faker. Billed as a "fun/family X-mas song", this queen's sense of humor is hysterical. "Ho Ho Ho! Holidays!"

2. Spin Me A Christmas by Aqua



Oh, Aqua. You are always near and dear to my heart. The greatest part of this song is it doesn't sound Christmasy. It sounds like your run-of-the-mill Aqua track. The lyrics are about X-mas, but its more of a manufactured feel to it. They cram in as much pop culture as possible from Disney to Coca-Cola. They poke fun at the holiday, but you may not even notice unless you pay attention. I'm pretty sure saying Christmas "making you wet" is mocking all those people who get way too into the season. Plus, seeing Rene as Santa was priceless... WAIT! THIS MUST BE THE SEXY SANTA I WAS MISSING! It all makes sense now.

1. Christmas Tree by Lady Gaga and Space Cowboy



As much as I hate to admit it, Lady Gaga used to be amazing. This track, from very early in her career under the stage name, is a team up with one of my all time favorite artists, Space Cowboy. They used to work together all the time, remember? This song is exactly what I want my Christmas to be: Raunchy, Fun, and Techno. Screw traditions. I want a delicious Christmas tree, damnit! And I'd like Spacey under it, please!

Remember, kids, Christmas can be fun if you make it fun. People call me Scrooge because I hate the Christmas traditions, like the music you've heard every year since the beginning of time, the caroling, the decorations, the Santa worship, the fake cheerfulness, the day I don't get to work because it's a national holiday, and the Christian overtones, but I have my own version of Christmas. And it involves a lot of Ho's and a couple of Santa strippers. Lay off me, jeeze.

Special thanks go out to Pollo Del Mar (@TheGlamazonPDM on Twitter) for introducing me to Per Sia and Popsessed for their enlightening suggestions!